


Chup Toh Na Hogi Mohabbat

by craziestfangirl98



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Aman loves Karthik, Angst, Hurt and comfort, I love these guys so much and I can't get enough of them, Kartik is worried, Kartik loves Aman, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, very subtle and hidden but still there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:21:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23803009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craziestfangirl98/pseuds/craziestfangirl98
Summary: The turn of events from the train ride weren't planned. At all. With the turn of events, emotions are soaring high and everything is a mess.This is my take on how Kartik is feeling and what are his thoughts while the auto ride ti the station.
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite a short inner thoughts of Kartik. I will try and make it a series on one shots on Kartik's pov of major events in the movie. Hopefully you like it. It has been very long since I wrote for leisure so let me know what you think.

Kartik had always been one who would prefer to rip out the band aid in one go rather than taking time and pulling out. How could he not, every time he let things stew, things always fell apart for him and he hated it. He learnt at a young age that once something is out there, you can’t let the fight or confrontation come to you while you are actively being non-committal and avoiding it.

While this was him, Kartik also knew that he couldn’t force Aman to go and talk about it to his father. How could he when he has already experienced everything that could go wrong in this situation? He could deal with violence and hatred towards him and turn a deaf ear towards it but he wouldn’t be able to ignore anything that would hurt his baby.

The kiss in Rajni’s wedding was completely out of the blue. He didn’t want to increase the whirlpool of trouble and confusion that Aman was in the eye of. He was just goofing off to make sure that Aman had a good time and let loose while hiding his emotions. He couldn’t tell Aman that he was terrified about what would end up happening to the two of them but as long as they were together and he didn’t have to see Aman being hurt he couldn’t care less.

After the eventful travel and the few moments at the wedding, here he was at the back of a rickshaw with Chacha having no idea what will happen from here. How is he supposed to repair however this would screw up their relationship. All of this sends him back to his promise to Aman about not having to come out over this period. He had assured him that they were coming to celebrate Goggle and he had screwed everything for Aman and himself. He knew in his heart, that if anything were to happen, it would be all because of him and nobody else and for that he couldn’t forgive himself.

Chacha was asking random things about his identity but he honestly couldn’t care less. All he could think was about the absolute hatred in Shankar Tripathi’s eyes and all that he was capable of doing to the love of his life. He had actively messed up and had ended up putting Aman in such a troubled space.

He distinctly remembers Chacha asking about his parents knowing about his sexual preference. How can he tell him of all the terrors that has scarred him and terrifies him still, after all these years.

This is it. He was at the station and it was tearing him apart. He has to go now. What other option did he have, none if he wanted to make sure that Aman was safe. On that note he was not going to leave this place without giving an idea about what is in store for them if and when they hurt Aman. They dare not do that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kartik is trying to reconcile with the treatment of gay couples and the community and his experiences. 
> 
> TW: there are mentions of suicidal thoughts but nothing happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments. I was really scared to put it out here because its been really long since I've written fanfiction. Anyhow let me know what you think of it...   
> Also, you can follow me on tumblr at @craziestfangirl98

_Teri khundhat mujhpe utar rahi hai. Do baar maar kha chuka hun main. (The frustration towards you is being shown on me. I've already been hit twice)_

He didn’t know where this came from. Although, it wasn’t the first time in the past two days that he has said the similar things.

It wasn’t that he wanted Aman to get hurt. God no. That is the last thing that he wants. Rather he wants this to just end. He meant every word of what he said to Shankar Tripathi. The fights and battles with family are the worst and most dangerous. Why should someone have to choose between who he loves and his family. Won’t it ever end!

He knew it was not expected on him to stand tall, but he knew exactly the road this was all going and honestly he was stronger and would be able to take the physical hurt towards him than watch Aman get hit which would hurt him mentally.

He was feeling suffocated. Every time he tried giving the world another chance, all the _kayanat_ (universe) around him did not try to make it work for him, rather tried to sabotage and hurt him 10x times more. He didn’t have anymore energy in him. How could he, he has been having this fight since the day that his father caught him having his first kiss. People usually had cute or amusing stories of their first kiss, sadly not him. All he could remember was him running up into the attic and his father finding him to beat the living daylights out of him. 

At this point, Kartik didn’t know if he had any more energy in him to be strong in the shadow of hatred, but he had to, for his sake and for Aman’s sake.

He was being honest when he told Goggle that he wanted to be the _daamat_ (son-in-law) of this house. But more that he wants to be Aman’s husband. He cared more about the home he had made with Aman than the family he craved.

The moment he pinned the rainbow cape on his shoulders and screamed homophobia on the top of his lungs, he knew his fate was sealed, but as always, better him then Aman.

Sometimes he felt the bone-deep exhaustion and he would hope that he could just stay asleep like that. He didn’t have any energy to wake up again and deal with this all over again. The only thing that pushed him to wake up again was the presence of Aman and the fact that he knew this would hurt Aman even more.

At this point, he knew he had one last lap to run. His last chance to stop the wedding. To make sure that Aman would be his and only his, instead of having to share him with Kusum. He didn’t know what would happen after all this but once again, he did know that even if the marriage happens, he will still wait for Aman. How could he not, he was the love of his life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kartik sees Aman's picture at the Kriya Karam ritual before he could see Aman. A reflection on all things that happen then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out darker than I expected. Nothing against the Tripathi's few thingss irk me out terribly and this is to address onee of those. I hope you are all doing okay and feeling okay.   
> Thank you again for your amazing comments and the multitude of Karthik/ Aman fanfics that motivate me. Enjoy!

Kartik couldn’t believe the sight he was seeing. This couldn’t have happened. The first time visiting the Tripathi family house and he has already lost his sense of home. One look at the picture of Aman, with the garland hanging from it, had Kartik shaking to his core. Had the warning given to Chaman chacha not enough. He meant every word that he said. How dare they hurt Aman and push him to his death!

Although, all he wanted to do was to hurt the Tripathi khandan, he could also feel himself falling into a spiral of anxiety. Before he could register what was happening, he had reached out to the person closest to him and gave them the strongest punch he had the energy to summon. He was known for his non-violent, witty and sarcastic nature to win fights. His past had made him entirely too repulsed towards the concept of violence but this family was essentially begging for it by testing his patience and love for Aman.

 ** _Areyyyy! Kya kar rahe ho! Humare ghar akar humko maar ne ki himmat kaise hui tumhe. Aik kheech ke denge toh samajh me aayega!_** Shankar Tripathi’s ringing offended voice brought him back to the awareness of the situation.

_(Arey! What are you doing. How dare you come into our house and hit us! One slap from us would set everything right.)_

**_Maine toh tumhe wapas nahi aane ko kaha tha. Wapas yahan kya kar rahe ho. Door raho humare parivaar se!_ **

_(I had told you not to come back here. What are you doing here then? Stay away from my family!)_

**_Paas aane ke liye, bacha kya hai aapke pass. Dimag ke saath saath aapka dil bhi ghas charne gaya hai kya! Maine pehle hi kaha tha. Agar Aman ko kuch hua tho pura Tripathi parivaar pachtayega! Aur aap logo ne kya kiya? Usko maar daala. Apne bete ko maar diya aap logo ne! Dil naam ki koi cheez hai aapke pass!_ **

_(What is left for me to come searching for you. You seem to have lost your mind and don’t know what you are talking about. I had informed you before itself, if anything happens to Aman, I would make the Tripathi family regret it. What did you end up doing, you killed him! Your son! Have you no heart!!!)_

Before he could actually administer another punch, clouded by a cacophony of _Kya kar rahe ho_ ’s he heard Aman’s voice calling out his name, while a pair of arms took him into a soft and loving embrace into which Karthik instinctively crumbled.

 ** _Mein aa gaya Kartik……. Dekho bas tumhare samne hi hun baby. Apni ankhe kholo. Dekho tumhara Aman aa gaya. Tumhe chod kar kahi nahi jaayega. Ek baar mere taraf dekho._** Slowly but steadily his voice coaxed a panicking Kartik out of the mess in his head.

_(Karthik I am here…. Look, I’m right in front of you baby. Just open your eyes and look. I am here. Your Aman is here. I am not going anywhere, not gong to leave you. Just look this way once.)_

At the sight of his boyfriend that he thought was dead, Kartik could barely stop the tears in his eyes. Of love, exhaustion, helplessness and determination.

**_Tum…. Yahan… Tumhara photo? Aman kya ho raha hai?_ **

_(You… your photo is there? What is happening Aman?)_

**_Yeh tumhara Aman nahi hai. Woh Aman mar chuka hai aur uska Kriya karam ho raha hai. Yeh Chandravadhan hai. Isko Aman ki buri aadathey nahi hai._** As Shankar Tripathi spoke these words, Kartik could see the desperation and hopelessness in _his_ Aman’s eyes.

_(This is not your Aman. He is dead and we are conducting his last rites. This is Chandravadhan and he doesn’t have any of Aman’s bad habits.)_

As the depth of the words sunk in for Kartik and Goggle to comprehend, the older generation of the Tripathis’s realised the mistake on their part with the storm brewing in Kartik’s eyes. But even before Kartik could speak, Aman felt he finally had to rant it out. It has gone too far now, and it anyhow couldn’t go any worse.

 ** _Aap logo ko andaaza bhi hai app kya kar rahe ho? Kabhi yeh socha hai aapne ki is sab ke samay mujhpar kya asar padi ho. Aap logo ko kya lagta hai, aap pehle log ho jo humari yeah ‘aadat’ ko mara hua chahte hai? Aapki isse badi galat faimi nahi ho sakti. Aap log apne aap ko mahir samajh te ho na. Mara nahi par kriya karam hogaya aur punar janam bhi. Abey! Isse achcha maar hi dete_** **.** His voice breaking in between he couldn’t do it any longer. He knew that other than Keshav and Goggle, the family would not be as accepting. It would still be against nature for them. That was the major reason he had avoided speaking about it or even coming home. Hoping at least his life in Delhi won’t be affected. Most importantly Kartik won’t be affected.

_(Do you people have any idea as to what you are doing? Any idea how this is affecting me? You are not the only ones to want us or this ‘habit’ dead. You couldn’t be more wrong about that. You all think you are great having conducted the last rites and name changing to essentially kill me. Well guess what! Why not just kill me then…)_

**_Jaise pehle kahan, hum roz yeh ladayi ladte hain, par aap logo se yeh ummeed nahi thi. Aadhi achchi din ko hi aise samay hai ki hum sochte hain, is ghut ghut ke jeene se behtar mar jaana hai. Har dum dar dar ke jeene se toh behtar hai na! Kisko kya pata, agar Aman nahi hota, toh ab main kaha rehta? Jaise maine pehle bhi bola tha, kuch karna hai toh mujhe marlo, agar Aman ko wapas kuch karne ki soojhi, toh mere se bura koi nahi hoga. Bola na, Shiv aur Shakti dono._ **

_(We had already told you, we have been fighting these battles for far too long, just didn’t expect this from you. Half of the time we feel that better than living such a suffocating life having to hide ourselves from the world, why not just die. It would be so much better than being worried all the time. Who knows maybe if I hadn’t met Aman when I did, I don’t think I would still be alive or not. As I said earlier, if you want to touch Aman you have to go past me. If you even think of hurting Aman, there won’t be anybody worse than me.)_

**_Maine kaha tha na tujhse, yeh log nahi samjhenge Kartik. Tere lohar ke baap se jyada alag nahi hai. Bas directly hurt nahi karte, emotional blackmail karke apna kaam kkarva lete hai._ **

_(Kartik, didn’t I tell you they wouldn’t understand. They are not too different from your dad although they are more read and literate. They just don’t physically hurt us, rather they will emotionally blackmail us and get their way.)_

The two of them didn’t know what would be the affect of these words on others and in silence held onto each of their hands. With a strength that no one possessed. A silent reassurance that they will be together at all times. The kind of resilience one would see in someone who is far too used to being knocked down by the world and others in the world. Very tired but still determined in their love.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is it that Aman and Kartik experience as they are going to Goggle's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters don't go in a proper trajectory. It's going back and forth so let me know if you want me to make it happen in the trajectory as the movie. Although, I'm writing the chapters as I go and feel like. So what would work better would probably be to align them at the end of the conceptualisation of the fanfic.

Kartik knew that he should be a little more cautious what with them going to meet Aman’s family. It wasn’t like they were going to tell the family or anything. They were just going to attend Aman’s cousins wedding and after all that they would be back to their little world back in their cosy apartment in the middle of Delhi.

As Aman pulled him up onto Vivah Special Express and into his arms, Kartik’s happiness knew no bounds and nothing could wipe that smile off his face. Taking the offered sweets as they went further into the compartment, Kartik was loving the vibe. It felt like a family. Hell, it was a family. With the aunts, uncles, screaming kids and so much of love that came burdened with sarcasm and familial taunts and arguments. He had only seen this kind of families in movies and with his friends’ families never having the same dynamic with his father.

With Aman pushing him from behind to get a move on, Kartik went further into the coach in search of the head of the Tripathi clan.

******

Aman knew that Kartik held his heart on his sleeve. He knew he craved for love and family and affection. Sadly, he knew that it won’t be possible to give that attention to his boyfriend in the space that he was sharing with his family.

Aman was so in love to see his boyfriend mingle with his wary family with so much of openness and fondness. Kartik had always held his heart on his sleeve. Even if life and people in his life had disappointed him and let him down on so many instances, Kartik had always prided on being so open and honest. After so many years, he didn’t know anything other than loving people. His heart was so full of love and affection and Aman was so happy that he found Kartik when he did.

Oddly, he was looking forward to having him here. His initial inhibitions to bring Kartik home had gone to the back of his head, no longer plaguing him and making him wary. He could see how happy his family is that he is here. It’s been years since he had come back and actually spent time with his family, due to the fear of them finding out his reality. He had been thinking of talking about this with Goggle and Keshav for a while now but right now, he was going to enjoy the time at home, thee wedding and think about going back and his reality later.

But for now, he is going to breathe, enjoy, maybe flirt with his boyfriend for a bit and essentially just live his life for a bit.

******

Kartik was trying as much as possible to charm his prospective in-laws. Hopefully, that would make it easier for them to accept him when the time comes.

Now, just because he wanted to charm them didn’t mean that he would in abstinence. Being an extremely tactile person and touch-starved he was craving for Aman’s kisses. Being the chaotic, impulsive boy that he was he went for it and kissed the love of his life, the Guddu of the family he was trying to woo, near the doors of the compartment.

Who knew that would be the root of the mess and would bring out Aman’s securely hidden secret out of the Pandora’s Box.


End file.
